Transformation; Or Jodie Got Happy

I have heard that the mid-thirties is an important time for women. It's a peak time for women for certain things. I won't mention this because my mom might read this. I am 36, and I find myself viewing life quite differently as of late. I know not what to attribute this to, but I embrace it as I look back on my journey here.

Most who know me well consider me a bit cynical and negative. These are people who have known me for years. My negative attitude, occasional rants and complaints and sarcastic tirades were always just a part of me. They made me recognizable and unique. My friends joked about it. I accepted it. When did this part change? I can't be sure, but my new place of work has definitely had something to do with it.

While teaching at my first school (oh, how I miss it there), I was never one to hide the pessimism. I tried a few times to shake it. I know some will recall the lunch table conversation during which I demanded we all say something we were grateful for then say at least one nice thing about each person at the table. This was on a day during which I was feeling much appreciation for my place in the world. I don't recall what I said about my fellow educators who shared my table (oh, how I miss them), but I can likely say some sarcasm seeped out. I do remember what I gave thanks for in my life. "I am happy I have two working legs, and I can use them to go anywhere." I found some happiness in that. Was this the only thing I could muster? It seems a tad weak; however, I recall truly being glad I could walk or run, if I so chose.

Surely my students saw some of these negative moments. Some were certainly the target of my sarcastic rants. I can't go into details here because I am still teaching, and I dare not incriminate myself. Sorry, kids. It made you all better people though. The only students exempt were my students during the school year of 2002-2003, what I call "The Most Glorious Year of My Life." I worked only 4/5 due to the addition of little Maddie. I left school each day at noon, graded papers (of which I had many due to my seniors in Writing for College and World Literature) in the afternoon and found myself freed from most English teacher constraints. This allowed for much play time with Maddie. I have video to prove it. I also have plenty of great memories. During that year, I recall my students telling me I was so happy every single day. They loved coming to class because I was always in a good mood. I shared this with my fellow teachers who looked at me with skeptical eyes. Nevertheless, I was a joyful teacher. Instead of essays that year, we deemed them "happy papers." Wow, what a year that was. I remember so many of these students and smile. Good kids. Good times.

I have found my true happy again. I have it right now where I work because I love my job. I enjoy most of the people I work with. The students are wonderful. The circumstances, of course, make all of the difference. Perhaps it is my age and my maturing and acceptance. Or maybe it's just because the people I work with are cool. I can only speculate.

Although I can't say exactly what caused this transformation or when it clicked, I can certainly own it. I recognize it and am grateful for it. Gratitude is powerful. Perhaps I was just too busy complaining to see the good before. Perhaps I didn't have what I needed then. I can wonder, and I do. I accept it now and declare that I will keep loving life.

For those of you who think I need to be miserable to make funny. Don't worry, I don't need that. I promise the next post will include laughs where this one possibly elicited smiles. Smiles are pretty good, too.