If you haven't figured out the theme here, prepare for negativity. I don't want to add more negativity to the world because much of that is what has put me here right now. However, I am writing in this negative state to try to find some answers, so I ask that you'll forgive me for complaining and spreading bad news. If you wish to avoid antagonistic rants, I recommend you cease reading now.
Disappointment really isn't a strong enough word for what I am feeling right now. Crushing defeat describes it a touch better. Even that doesn't capture it. The level of discouragement is one I have not had to consider for quite some time. I attribute this to the fact that I have had a number of events leading up to this point. If I had to address these experiences individually, throughout a period of weeks, I would be able to manage the obstacles. All at once - I can't. I am trying. But I can't.
I can only speak in generalities which is the one thing any good English teacher tells her students to avoid. Due to the involvement of certain people, I cannot "show" instead of "tell" in this forum. You English teachers know what I am talking about here. Therefore, I apologize for the lack of specific details. Still, I need to let this out.
Here come the questions.
1. Why do I keep fighting battles I know I won't win? One of these battles is one a group is tackling, so I am not alone in the pursuit. Even so, the evidence continues to illustrate the fact that it's a fruitless fight. If I look back in history, I enacted a similar campaign six years ago. Back then I had the realization that my efforts were hardly making an impact. Knowing that, I still have allowed myself to slide into the same mindset that I could make something better when I should have just accepted that I have no control. If I am not the one with the biggest sword, I am not the one who should be leading the war. I am putting my sword down. I don't want to pick it up again because I can't invest the time and heart again. I just have to figure out how to remember that I need to look at the size of my sword before I engage. Each and every time. Look at the sword.
2. Why do I allow people to let me down? Is it because I hope too much, expect too much, ignore their possible deficiencies? I guess I don't want to be the person who says she never lets people have that opportunity to leave her disillusioned because she expects nothing from anyone. If you expect very little and you give very little yourself, what kind of disappointment do you ever really face? It sounds like a nice world to live in. Recently someone again told me I trust people too much. I see too much good in people, not realizing their favorable shell might hide something less appealing. Here's a Gatsby reference for those of you who did not teach the book for nine years - I don't want the world to be full of Daisies. I refuse to live in that place. Yet, I let these people in, defend them, believe in them. Their whiteness rubs off and I see the yellow inside. I know I can't change. I know I can't suddenly become a hardened person who speculates that each person has a core of deceit. I just wish I could maybe notice some of the yellow spots underneath the white before I envelope these people in full faith.
I don't expect any answers. You see, my expectations seem to be producing poor results. I ask nothing and expect nothing. Then I don't have to be disappointed. If only this were true.
Maybe I just need a bigger sword.
1 comment:
Hey Jodie, sorry you're feeling so discouraged. Just to add insult to injury, your disclaimer of "no lazies allowed. no procrastinators either." obviously isn't working, since here I am. I'm a little insecure about commenting, given the high bar set by the green tea folks on your previous post. But here goes.
To your first question: I get what you mean about checking sword size, and I'd support any decision you cared to make after your check. It isn't all there is, though. For one thing, people make a lot of mistakes in estimating sword size. (So many jokes here, about Princess Diana's disappointment and why so many girls fall behind in science and math post-puberty.) For another, there's a reason the story/parable of David and Goliath has stuck for 2500+ years. You can name as many examples as I can, or more, of people whose shorter swords triumphed. We also know those examples rest on the fallen bodies of those who failed before them.
To your second question: "Hell is other people," wrote Sartre in a book I've never read. (Like Gatsby. I've never read that one either. Though we have the recent movie in our queue.) You're right, it seems an unsolvable dilemma: We can't be happy in emotional isolation from other people; every person will eventually fail. When I first wrote that I typed "fail us," but that's the key, of course. We never HAVE to experience someone else's failure as "failing us." Easy sometimes, harder others, overwhelmingly difficult occasionally. It can be practiced, though (e.g. Ruiz's "Five Agreements").
I value you.
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