If you haven't figured out the theme here, prepare for negativity. I don't want to add more negativity to the world because much of that is what has put me here right now. However, I am writing in this negative state to try to find some answers, so I ask that you'll forgive me for complaining and spreading bad news. If you wish to avoid antagonistic rants, I recommend you cease reading now.
Disappointment really isn't a strong enough word for what I am feeling right now. Crushing defeat describes it a touch better. Even that doesn't capture it. The level of discouragement is one I have not had to consider for quite some time. I attribute this to the fact that I have had a number of events leading up to this point. If I had to address these experiences individually, throughout a period of weeks, I would be able to manage the obstacles. All at once - I can't. I am trying. But I can't.
I can only speak in generalities which is the one thing any good English teacher tells her students to avoid. Due to the involvement of certain people, I cannot "show" instead of "tell" in this forum. You English teachers know what I am talking about here. Therefore, I apologize for the lack of specific details. Still, I need to let this out.
Here come the questions.
1. Why do I keep fighting battles I know I won't win? One of these battles is one a group is tackling, so I am not alone in the pursuit. Even so, the evidence continues to illustrate the fact that it's a fruitless fight. If I look back in history, I enacted a similar campaign six years ago. Back then I had the realization that my efforts were hardly making an impact. Knowing that, I still have allowed myself to slide into the same mindset that I could make something better when I should have just accepted that I have no control. If I am not the one with the biggest sword, I am not the one who should be leading the war. I am putting my sword down. I don't want to pick it up again because I can't invest the time and heart again. I just have to figure out how to remember that I need to look at the size of my sword before I engage. Each and every time. Look at the sword.
2. Why do I allow people to let me down? Is it because I hope too much, expect too much, ignore their possible deficiencies? I guess I don't want to be the person who says she never lets people have that opportunity to leave her disillusioned because she expects nothing from anyone. If you expect very little and you give very little yourself, what kind of disappointment do you ever really face? It sounds like a nice world to live in. Recently someone again told me I trust people too much. I see too much good in people, not realizing their favorable shell might hide something less appealing. Here's a Gatsby reference for those of you who did not teach the book for nine years - I don't want the world to be full of Daisies. I refuse to live in that place. Yet, I let these people in, defend them, believe in them. Their whiteness rubs off and I see the yellow inside. I know I can't change. I know I can't suddenly become a hardened person who speculates that each person has a core of deceit. I just wish I could maybe notice some of the yellow spots underneath the white before I envelope these people in full faith.
I don't expect any answers. You see, my expectations seem to be producing poor results. I ask nothing and expect nothing. Then I don't have to be disappointed. If only this were true.
Maybe I just need a bigger sword.
