Let's Get Serious About School Safety

Nothing motivates a mother and educator like an ignorant proposal from an aged, balding, Arizona politician. This proposal is the Arizona Attorney General's way of protecting our school children (and maybe educators, but I think he would agree that they can be collateral damage).

Mr. Tom Horne seems way too formal for a party guy who secretly rendezvous with his mistress incognito and haphazardly hits parked cars while involved in said rendezvous; therefore, I will call him Tom. Tom's idea is that each school has one trained and armed educator. Participating, of course, will be the school's choice. The school will also decide who gets to be the armed person. I presume school officials could accomplish this much like the plot of the Shirley Jackson story "The Lottery." The plan is obviously ineffective for the following reasons:

1. Some schools are quite large, like high schools. Positioning this armed educator at one spot leaves 95% of the rest of the school or campus unprotected when the potential onslaught occurs.
2. The educator who is the sole defender of the campus might find it difficult to fulfill his normal daily duties while patrolling, protecting, investigating threats . . . .
3. The one person with the gun might be ill the one day when the crazed killer steps through the unsecured campus.

I could keep listing the problems with this otherwise stellar proposition. However, I am sure most realize the holes. An important lesson I have learned in my 14 years in education is that those who complain about issues see better results if they have possible solutions to backup their criticisms. Of course this means I have some great ideas. I propose the AG office begins research immediately on the following:

1. Train all teachers, maintenance workers, cafeteria workers, administrators and secretaries in firearm handling and shooting. This could be professional development at the start of the school year. Team building at Ben Avery Range? This sounds fabulous. The campus comes together while learning how to kill potential threats!
2. Since all will have proper, thorough training, hide guns in different places on campus. In the media center alone, I can think of some very effective hiding places. I can hollow out a few of the reference books that kids NEVER check out and hide some 9 mils in there. Of course, I can have one taped underneath the circulation desk for easy access if a killer bounds through the doors.
3. Put an invisible bullet proof shield around the whole campus. These exist in video games, so it seems likely the technology is available or just around the corner. That would be seriously bad ass and really save a lot of lives. Can you imagine the killer, armed to the hilt with clips, rifles, pistols and ammunition to kill 800 people, shrugging his shoulders and turning in defeat after realizing his plan has hit a major snag?
4. Develop a test for all people, especially targeting white males, that can determine crazy killer mode is in the future. Require that all people take this test starting at age 10 and every year thereafter. When people (probably white males) register in the danger range, stash them away on the Island of Misfits. Explain their potential danger to their parents and give the parents a small reparation for having to send the son to the island. This next idea might require more thought and research, but I will throw it in: Before getting shipped away, allow the sons some time to gather munitions. If the Misfits want to go on killing sprees on the island, that might be acceptable.

I can't say for sure, but I imagine I have put more thought into my solutions than Tom did. Then again, I probably have more time available to me. After all, I am just a high school librarian. Perhaps some of the works of fiction housed within my library influenced my plan. This seems perfectly fine since fiction also is at the backbone of Tom's plan. Weaving in some fantasy sure makes it much easier than facing reality.